Codependency..loving them to death.

I Saved Him Again: Sometimes We Love Them to Death

He started to fall toward the floor, head first, reeking of stale alcohol, and fresh vomit. His stained and wrinkled shirt covered the latest bruises, but could not hide the sad, tear stained face or those vacant, dull and staring eyes. No, he didn’t hit the floor, his girl friend was there with her well worn pillow once more. Oh safe again. They both know what comes next, and then next. This is the next time after the next time. The co-dependent follows the addict and their decisions from a close distance, being there as they head for the floor, feeling responsible for making everything alright, knowing it is their fault.... . Sooner than later, whether it’s a mother, a spouse, or a close friend, the codependent follows the addict with that well worn pillow of help and uses it again…and again. The addict smiles, apologizes, promises to be more careful from here and walks away.

What do these “near falls” look like? And what shapes do the “pillow” come in. A friendly call to the boss, reporting the Monday flu. A note to the coach that Jr. has a dental problem and can’t run sprints in morning gym class. A hurried trip to the bank to cover the overdraft. A phone conversation with the credit card company about the party not being there just now, but you will pay it today, over the phone with your check.
The excuse to the neighbor that you were helping him out of the car and into the house due to a sudden migraine.

Through it all, the codependent holds their breath, puts personal plans on hold, needing to be there. Be there to mop up, feel guilty and promote sameness. Sameness that feels comfortable for all. Through it all, no one’s head hits the floor, no life consequences are felt, and no changes are necessary. This is their life. The enabling is a success. The agony of addiction thrives! And the codependent has a life mission, protecting the addiction and the addict, and suffering while waiting for the next time.

What motivates the codependency role. Is it wanting to protect the addict? Protect them from what? An early death or substandard living? An opportunity to experience recovery and life and relationships as they are meant to be. An opportunity to be free from the bondage and agony of active addiction? Somehow, once enabling starts and the pillow response begins, the boundaries become blurred between helping, hurting and loving to death. Or is it purely selfish, protecting what they know best, suffering with their addiction to the addict? Codependency kills. Everyone.

Can anyone relate? DrL